Joke Set #8

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Sarcastic Remarks #1

"I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

Joke Set #7

Two men from Ireland were Talking in a Pub

'I wouldn't go to America if you paid me,' said Michael.
'Why is that?' asked the Patrick.

'Well for one thing, they all drive on the right hand side of the road there.'
'And what's wrong with that?' inquired Patrick.

'Well', said Michael, 'I tried it driving in Dublin the other day and it's terrible.'

The Vicar is Buying a Parrot

'Now, you're sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?' he inquired.

'Oh absolutely.  It's a religious parrot,' the storekeeper assures him.  'Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord's Prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.'

'Brilliant. Wonderful!' grins the Vicar, 'but what happens if I pull both strings?'

'I fall off my perch, you twit!' screeches the parrot.

Customer Bowled Over by Service

A car mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clanking noise when going around corners so he took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.

When he arrived back at the garage he returned the car to the service manager with this note: 'Removed bowling ball from trunk.' 

The T.V. is No Joke

I got in a fight with my wife last night and it was totally my fault.

She asked me what was on the TV and I said: dust.

Didn't go too well after that.

Random Facts

1. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
2. A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.
3. If all is not lost, where is it?
4. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
5. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
6. It was all so different before everything changed.
7. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
8. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
9. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
10. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
11. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
13. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
14. Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get
15. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
16. 'stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand and ' lollipop' with your right.
17. A ' jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
18. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
19. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
20. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
21. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
22. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
23. The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.
24. The words 'racecar', ' kayak' and 'level' are palindromes. They read the same whether you read them left to right or right to left.
25. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
26. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.'

Joke Set #6

A good life is like toilet paper ... Long and useful.

- He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

- A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. Bartender says, 'What is this, a joke?'

Costumer-”Is this insecticide good for beetles.”

Clerk-”No, it’ll kill them!

Q.What has a bottom at its top?

A. A leg.

Why isn’t Mexico in the Olympics?…

Because everyone that can swim, jump, climb, and sprint are already over the Border..

Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
A. I just love baskin’ robins.

Joke Set #5

Man A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.Man B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

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Teacher : Correct the sentence, “A bull and a cow is grazing in thefield”
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.
Teacher : Why?
Student : Ladies first.

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My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

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A man walks into a butcher’s shop and inquires of the butcher: “Are you a gambling man?” The butcher says “Yes”, so the man said: “I bet you fifty bucks that you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.” “But I thought you were a gambling man” the man retorts. “Yes I am” says the butcher “but the steaks are too high.”

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A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
The mushroom says "Why not I'm a Fungi!"

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Where does the one legged waitress work?
The Ihop

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Why did the stoplight turn red?
Wouldn't you if you had to change in the middle of the street??

Funny Pictures #1

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